Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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