hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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