don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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