Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
