OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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