I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
