You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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