Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
