why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
worst night to have a conscience
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
