dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
