my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
