his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
