I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
