You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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