Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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