I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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