my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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