he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
