i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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