I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
