Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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