I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
