My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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