Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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