I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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