i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
