I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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