all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
