Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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