Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
