Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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