why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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