Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
