We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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