didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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