Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
