Princesses don't give blow jobs
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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