Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
