I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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