I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
ttyl tear gas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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