im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
