I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
