Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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