I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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