I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
