I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
