o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
