If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
