We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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