I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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