So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
soo... how was my night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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