i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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